Say What?!?!

A guide to being friends with someone battling infertility

Infertility sucks. We can all agree on that. In my a recent post I talked about how infertility is a medical condition. But it is also SO MUCH MORE than that!! It is your hopes and dreams being taken from you. It is fear about your future. It is wrestling with the idea of never being a parent. Many people may think there are far worse things in the world, and maybe there are. But when you are going through it, it is your world. And it is heartbreaking. And it is stressful. And it is exhausting. And it is sad, and frustrating, and angering, and terrifying, and a million other emotions. And you never know how much you truly want something until you are told you may not be able to have it.

And it is disheartening when people (especially friends and family) blow it off or push it aside like it’s no big deal, or that you’re just stressing about it too much. Remember that infertility is a DIAGNOSABLE MEDICAL CONDITION. Would you tell a friend with cancer or heart disease, “Oh just don’t worry about it and it will go away.” or “You probably have it because you’re too stressed.”? Doubt it.

This doesn’t mean you have to avoid the topic all together. Don’t be afraid to ask friends you know are facing infertility what’s on their mind or their agenda. People have no problem asking “So when are you gonna start trying?” or “When’s the next one?” or “So are you pregnant yet?” But the minute you even dare to mention infertility or any type of difficulty in trying the conversation hits a standstill. It’s okay to ask questions. Be interested. Hell, ACT interested even if you’re not! You’re friends ask you about your kids, and your job and your family right? This is part of their lives (probably a very large part), whether they like it or not. Don’t be afraid to ask. No one expects you to know the ins and outs of infertility. But showing you care means everything. And if they would prefer not to talk about it that’s okay too, tell them you’re there to listen when they are ready.

We have luckily been blessed with a few amazing friends who we have been able to confide in and, quite frankly, bitch about our situation to.  But I find that this is not always the case. And I don’t think it’s because people are heartless, or uncaring or in any way trying to be hurtful. I think it’s mostly just because people have no idea what to say, so they say what they think is helpful. And I think that’s totally normal. I wouldn’t expect anyone to understand this hell unless they’ve gone through it. So I have put together some helpful ideas on ways you can respond to a friend who may be going through infertility.

Don’t say: “You’re thinking/stressing about it too much. Just relax and don’t think about it and you’ll get pregnant.” THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.

Instead say “I can’t imagine how hard this must be.”

Don’t say: “Don’t worry it will happen when it’s supposed to.”

Instead say: “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

Don’t say: “Are you pregnant yet?” (Trust me, this is in NO WAY HELPFUL. Even if your intention is to show concern about the situation. Just don’t say it.)

Instead say:  “How can I support you through this?” or “I don’t know what to say.”

Dont say: “Well at least it’s not……..” (Doesn’t matter what you say after this, we’ve already stopped listening)

Instead say: “I’m here to listen anytime you need to vent.”

Don’t say: “I’m sure you’ll be pregnant soon.” (We appreciate your positivity, we really do, but it’s just not our reality.)

Instead say: “You are a strong person and I know you will get through this, whatever that looks like on the other side.”

Dont say: “Maybe it’s just not your calling to be a parent.” Or ANY VERSION OF THIS SENTIMENT.  This is a personal soap box of mine.  In no way is it or will it ever be anyone else’s call when it’s time to throw in the towel on trying to have a family. Don’t say this. Ever.

Instead say: “What kind of options are available?” or even a simple “Hang in there.”

Please try not to talk negatively about having kids or being pregnant around someone dealing with infertility.  We know there are pluses and minuses. We realize that being pregnant and being a parent is probably stressful and downright shitty at times. We don’t care.  I know you’re just trying to be comforting, but that’s about the equivalent of telling a double leg amputee they are lucky because you have to spend so much money on shoes and they don’t (and oh gosh those darn foot cramps!!)

Lastly, don’t be upset, offended, or take it personally if your friend(s) have to refrain from hanging out if you have children/are pregnant. This doesn’t mean you can’t invite them or include them. I bet most times they will be happy to hang out. But some days they just can’t. At least not without large quantities of alcohol. Don’t hold it against them and try again next time.