Last night I got some startling news that made me take a hard look at my life and my thoughts and worries over the past few months…My brother’s best friend, 27 years old, healthy as all get out, collapsed and died right in front of his fiance’s eyes 2 nights ago. She did CPR for 10 minutes until EMS arrived and they worked him for 40 minutes to no avail. No autopsy results yet but best guess is a ruptured aneurysm. Right then and there, in a split second, in the blink of an eye, he was gone. No warning. No preparation.
Times like these make you want to hug your loved ones a little tighter, and it really woke me up to the rut Josh and I have been in the last few months. Stifled with grief over our infertility we hardly find time to appreciate and love one another the way we should. Sure, we kiss each other goodnight and we say “I love you,” but it’s almost more out of habit than anything else right now.
Just 15 minutes before he died, [Name] said to his fiance, “[Name], did I tell you I love you?” To which she replied, “You tell me that every day.” And he once more said, “Well I just wanted to say that I love you.” Unprovoked, not a goodbye I love you, not a goodnight I love you, just a pure spontaneous expression of what she means to him. Maybe it was the man upstairs’ way of bringing peace to a terrible and unthinkable time, I dunno. But whatever the reason it made me realize that I can’t remember the last time one of us just out of the blue voiced our love and appreciation for one another. Life has become so rigidly planned, so objective, so scientific that we are forgetting what is most important: our love for one another. Because when it comes down to it Josh is and always will be number 1 in my life, even if we do have a child. I have always vowed that we would keep our marriage first even once kids came, and here I am not doing so and they are merely theoretical at this point!
So today I am re-pledging to make our marriage first. To nurture our love for each other. To choose happiness today and every day instead of making our happiness dependent on having dependants. Whatever may come, I may not have everything I want but I do have everything I need.
Josh, you are enough!
Baby Blues 