Through this whole infertility journey I find myself at a crossroads between science and faith. Do I believe in God? Absolutely. Do I actually believe that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and that whatever He sees fit is probably best? Yes. Does that make me long for a child right now any less? Not a bit.
This often leaves me wondering, does this make me a bad Christian? I don’t know the answer to that. I know that God has given me a deep desire to be a mother. I also know that I have no idea what the future holds, or how I will fulfill that longing. And I sometimes even wonder things like, “By doing IUI or IVF am I trying to play God? Is this me taking control? Or did He bless us with these scientific advances so that we have options? And if that’s the case then why just not make us fertile in the first place?!?!”
I feel like infertility support groups come in 2 varieties: faith based and secular. And I belong to both kinds. And the hope and faith that women in Christian based support groups has blows my mind. Like, there’s never a post that just says “CD1, FUCK YOU!!” Which is often how I feel. And it leaves me wondering, will I be judged for thinking this way or expressing my feelings? Scratch that, I actually WAS judged the other day in one of these groups. I promptly let my not so positive infertility self rear its ugly head and then left the group, because I just don’t have the time or patience to be feeling judged by women in the same boat as me right now.
Back to my point, I guess maybe being human and being upset, and real, and raw is saying God doesn’t know best. Isn’t it possible to know in your mind that His plan is better than yours but still not like it or want to accept it in your heart? Cuz that’s where I’m stuck. I haven’t been able to fully just “Let go and let God.” And I dont know if or when I will….
I know God has a plan for me and constantly tell myself that. I have seen His mad chess skills before. I’ll give you an example. Years ago I worked as the assistant athletic trainer at a high school, and spent 3 years doing both my and a large majority of my boss’s job. I was well liked by my colleagues and my boss and my students. So when the head athletic trainer left I naturally thought I would transition right into that role. But instead they decided they wanted someone with “at least 5 years” of experience, which I did not have. I was heartbroken. Devastated. I always went above and beyond, gave 110%. I had given my heart and soul to that job. However, not getting that promotion lead to a long series of events including me leaving to pursue a master’s degree in athletic training, which ultimately lead me to decide I did not even want to be in that field anymore. So I ended up back in school, making a career change. Fast forward to now and I am unbelievable happy in my new career as a physician assistant. Looking back, I realize that had I gotten that head AT position I likely never would have left that school and would not be where I am today.
So I get it. He knows better. He has a plan. But what is His plan with teenagers and drug addicts? And people who want nothing to do with having children? And those who use elective abortion as a form of birth control??!?!? How could those pregnancies possibly be God’s plan? And why did he put such a strong desire to be a mom in my heart? Why not make me one of those people who never wants to have kids? I know that He sees things that I couldn’t possibly understand, but I guess sometimes I still like to think I should play God.
I know in my head there’s a greater plan, but I’m still trying to get my heart to believe it too. So for now while I wait I preach to myself His truths that I know in my head until I believe them in my heart. And I take solace in a few great Hillary Scott songs….
Baby Blues 