A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others
What is Emotion?
We don’t often think about the exact definition of words we use, because we just inherently understand them. But when you start to reflect I feel like often times it’s hard to actually put a definition to these kinds of things. What are emotions, anyway? And who the heck knew it was possible to go through so many of them in one short 8 hour period?!?!
So I wake up this morning to 2 pictures of my good friend’s new bundle of joy. 12 hours old…he’s just the cutest little thing with the chubbiest of cheeks that I just can’t wait to squeeze! I immediately feel joy for my friend who just had her first beautiful baby boy. What an amazing thing to create life. The joy is short-lived and followed by tears and sadness that I can’t experience that kind of love and pure bliss. Then suddenly I start to feel disdain for myself. Why am I even allowing myself to think this way? To be jealous of her? Today is her day, Aimee, get over yourself! Why can’t I just be happy without always letting it come back to me? I’m selfish. That’s what it is. Pure selfishness. And then even more anger towards myself for being a selfish ass hole.
Since there’s no way I’m falling back asleep now I get up, get my morning cup of joe and curl up on the couch to watch GMA, my morning ritual, and soon enough I get distracted by the mundane noise of the day. Thank goodness. Cuz whatever was happening in my head this morning was just more than enough for one day. Soon I put on my big girl pants and head out to do some adulting (i.e. errands). While in one store, I walk past the baby section and just have to go grab a few things for the little man whose birth day was yesterday. I usually try to take a happy birthday present when I first meet my friends’ children. And let’s face it, tiny anything, clothing included, is adorable. So into the abyss of baby clothes I can’t get enough of I go. My emotions swing back and forth a million times looking through the racks. “Oh my gosh so cute I have to get this one!” Joy. There it is again. And just like that back to sorrow that I’m buying these clothes for someone else and not myself. “But oh my gosh look at this one! If we have a daughter she would be just so precious in this! Maybe I should just buy it now and store it for that day.” What is this feeling? I’m almost excited about the possibility of swaddling my unborn, unconceived daughter in the cutest little clothes. And suddenly again the reality that this will maybe never be my reality strikes. So I sullenly walk away from the rack with a few adorable items for my friend’s new bundle of joy. Of course for the rest of my errands I can’t seem to get away from pregnant ladies and people pushing baby strollers.
Luckily I make it out alive and not much worse for the wear, and I get home to hubby and my 2 fur babies. All is right in the world again. Fast forward a few hours, we lay down to try to catch a quick nap, but I can’t seem to fall asleep because my mind is again running through every emotion there is. First I’m thinking about how cute that little nugget is and how I can’t wait to meet and hold him. Then I’m hit with extreme sadness when I start to think about my friend holding him so softly on her chest, and all I can think about is that may never be me. Here I am, right back to absolute dread about the day I finally accept that motherhood is not for me…..
This roller coaster of emotions is insane some days. Funny, I thought I was through the worst of it and had come to terms with this diagnosis. I thought I was going to rise above, be stronger than this. Maybe I will never really be through the hurt and the pain. Maybe I’m just not supposed to be yet. Maybe I don’t ever really want to be because that would mean I’ve given up.
Baby Blues 